The Madison Madness: Girls, Girls, Girls!

It’s official…. Boys suck! I wish nothing more than to click my crusty little heels and be five again. Between my nephew asking questions about puberty and Brody talking about reptiles, I am going to slit my wrist.

I’m minding my own business being a badass weekend mom trying to get fatty dressed and I over hear Antney asking my mom if he has hair under his pits. I’m trying to be sensitive, but in my head, I’m like YOU’RE FLIPPING 8! Next thing I know, they are off to the store to buy him a “better luck next time” toy.

Then I’ve got chatty cathy telling me about his friend, Vernon, sneaking a lizard into school. The biggest issue I have with this story is why the hell would someone name their kid Vernon? Brody is trying to explain that lizards are cool and how their tails fall off…. After choking on my own vomit, I pull myself together until Brody proceeds to say…. See, look mom (as he’s holding out his hand). Mind you, we are riding in my vehicle. After almost causing a 4-car pileup and slightly pissing myself, Brody says “JUST KIDDING!!!” If I didn’t know better, I’d think he was trying to kill me. Come to think, Kacy did tell him “When mommy dies, we can buy a boat… don’t you want a boat, Brody?”

Some creepy ass shit is going on at the Madison household. I’m not sure if it’s a “boy thing” or if they are going to turn out to be serial killers. Brayden is obsessed with hair. He will grab a fist full of your hair and just hold it. He doesn’t pull it, he doesn’t eat it, he just holds it. I shit you not, as I’m typing this, he is chillin’ on my lap with a fist full of my hair. Maybe it’s because I jacked my mom’s hundred dollar, four ounce bottle of shampoo....Yeah, we will go with that theory. Then as we were leaving the other day to take the boys to school and a dang skunk sprayed the house. Brody’s gagging and complaining, pretty much acting just like his dad. We get in the car and Brody tells me he needs to go back in the garage and get his dad’s sewing stuff and sew the skunk to the middle of the street so it can’t spray anything else. I’m thinking to myself:

· WTF, that’s not creepy at all, psycho!

· How the hell do you even know what sewing stuff is?

· Just because your dad does everything else around the house, does not mean he knows how to sew!

· Why don’t you say crazy shit in front of your dad?

· Please Lord, will there ever be a day that he is quiet in the car?

· Just smile and nod, Brittany, smile and nod.

Happy 24^th Birthday to my Little Shithead Brother, Joey! To those that are freaking out because I called him a shithead, you obviously didn’t see his facebook post: When I start to feel old I just look at my sisters and feel young again! So again, Happy Birthday, Shithead! We went to Saltgrass to celebrate. Although, it is not really celebrating when you have to babysit your own kids. Brayden seemed to really enjoy his first filet mignon; however, the waitress was up his ass. She kept coming over to talk to him and was gushing none stop about how cute he is, those pretty blue eyes, his perfect pale complexion, his stubby little toes. I was about to bitch slap her, but then I realized she was just a waitress, not a teacher…. BOOOYA! I’m only kidding. My brother tried to say I don’t know how to take compliments but I’m pretty sure that skank was a disguised baby snatcher.