Close Your Legs

With all the downtime from the holidays I’ve had some time to just reflect on a few things…

Breastfeeding:

Look, I’m all for breastfeeding, the last thing I want is to be near a sick whiny snot-nose baby.  I just think there needs to be some sort of identification system for breastfeeding.  I’m not asking for much, just a sign they aren’t on the bottle yet.  Nothing grosses me out more than the thought of hugging, kissing and loving all over a baby to turn around and find out it was just all over your t!ts.    

The Waddle:

I finally figured out why pregnant women waddle.  It’s not because our stomach turns into a massive FUPA and gets in the way.  It’s a momentum thing – it’s the only way we can stay going.  I would compare us to the Weeble Wobbles, except we can totally fall down.

Vagina Pains:

Vagina pain is one of the worst feelings in the world.  You can literally feel the vagina bone stretching apart.  I know the anatomical name is pelvic bone, but I like the sound of vagina much better.  Actually, I would love to call it a cunt bone, but that would offend too many people.  Walking around with the pressure of a bowling ball sitting on your vagina is not the best feeling in the world either.  Maybe I’m being too tough on this 4 pound sack of baby goodness?  Maybe babies aren’t real fond of being shoved down a vagina tube on their exit from their nurturing home and entering the chaos of the real world.  The pain still sucks, but maybe the score is even at this point.

On a side note, a little advice for all my friends out there:

No matter what age you are it is not okay to call your mother a cunt. 

1. She will drop kick your ass pregnant or not
2. She will not believe it was the hormones that made you do it
3. She will ban you from a week of mani-pedi’s
4. She will give you the disappointed speech

Sex:

Using the excuse you can’t tonight because your vagina hurts does not have the same effect as saying you have a headache. 

Me: No, my vagina hurts

Kacy: You have other holes

Me: **giving Kacy the go to hell, you better get the F out of my face look**

Delivery:

We are getting closer to the delivery date and I’m really leaning towards a water birth.  I saw a video on it the other day and I think its freaking greatness how the water goes from clear as can be to a deep blood red in a matter of 2.5 seconds.  It’s the ultimate payback for Kacy.  Plus you know when you’re swimming in the lake, and a fish rubs against your leg and you freak the f*ck out… How cool would that be for my placenta to swim over to Kacy and bump into his leg?